"It was just sex."

This simple statement is one often uttered by young people and people not in committed relationships.

"It was just sex. It didn't mean anything."

That's the way it comes out of the mouths of people who justify being sexually intimate with someone outside of their "committed" relationship without the knowledge or permission of their partner.

What I believe about this has turned out to be quite controversial:

There's no such thing as "just sex."

"It was just sex," said in any context, is simply a justification that allows the person who says it to deny that s/he is a whole person who always brings all the other parts of himself or herself to everything that s/he does.

Many people are particularly good at separating out the various parts of themselves.

You can act emotionally detached, or deny the feelings that you're feeling.

You can pretend that you are wiser - or even less knowledgeable - than you truly are, when you think that acting one way or the other serves you best.

You can experience the pleasure of touching something soft and act as if it doesn't affect you physically in any way.

You can have sex, and pretend that there isn't an emotional - or even spiritual - component to it.

It's true that sex doesn't have to have any particular meaning. It can be primarily for physical pleasure, and not for the purpose of having a sex partner become a lifetime "mate." Sex can happen between people - one or both of whom are in other committed relationships - with everyone involved agreeing to not let that kill the primary relationship.

But that doesn't mean that when sex happens it doesn't affect the participants emotionally, or other ways.

Sex is the most intimate act that two people can share. When sex happens, emotions get activated, and the participants share and co-mingle their sexual energy. And create a "bond" at a deeper level.

These emotional, energetic - and deeper - connections happen whether you want them to or not; whether you acknowledge them or not. You can pretend to deny them, or ignore them. But you cannot keep them from happening. They happen precisely because you are a person with many facets, and sex impacts you as a whole being.

When you have sex, you DO assign a particular meaning to it. "This is the way we're letting each other know that we want to take our relationship deeper." This is the way that we express our undying love for one another." Or: "This is just for fun, and nothing else."

But regardless of the meaning you assign, each and every time you have sex your whole being is involved and activated. Your experience is not just physical. You experience emotions and deeper connections that can be ignored or denied, but which you cannot keep from happening.

And why would you?

The more you begin to tap into the power of experiencing sex as a whole being, and the power of the emotional connections and other deeper connections that occur, the better, more present lover you become. And the more you and your partner enjoy expressing and experiencing the sexual aspect of your relationship.

Embrace this simple fact:

There  is no such thing as "just sex."

And then enjoy ALL of the multi-faceted aspects of lovemaking.

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What's your opinion? Is there such a thing as "just sex"? Let the world know what you think! Respond to this blog post by visiting: www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com/podcastblog

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Making Love Simply Divine is a program dedicated to helping you create and nurture a highly successful, deeply satisfying relationship in and out of the bedroom. Learn more, register for the "Great Relationships" teleseminar series, and become part of the monthly paid membership program by visiting ww.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com

 

I often work with people, privately, in a coaching setting, who believe that nobody loves them for who they really are - the topic of our July 1, 2008 teleconference with Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and Jim Sniechowski, Ph.D.

I recognize that this belief can be very painful and I empathize with those of you for whom this feels true.

I'm also aware of how this belief can be self-perpetuating, or a double bind.

Sometimes you might withhold your true self because you have the belief that "People won't love who I really am." So you put on a face and project a persona you believe others will like and accept. Essentially, you end up betraying yourself to ensure gaining others' approval and acceptance.

Then when the people you've catered to DO approve and accept the false you, you get upset and feel unseen. You don't like that what they're approving of is not the real you. It reinforces your limiting belief and reinforces the idea that nobody sees the real you.

Of course people love what you put forward as the genuine you (even when you know that it's a facade), because they think it's the genuine you! People basically get to love (or not love) what you give them to love or not love. Are they wrong for loving what you asked them to love?

At some point you have to take responsibility for this choice you make to hide some or all of your true self from others, and also take a risk and show the real you.

Yes, maybe some people won't love you for who you really are, but if you don't come out of hiding, you can be assured that nobody will.

If you want to be loved for who you really are, you have to be willing to BE who you really are and share that with others. You must take responsibility for conveying to others who your real self is.

Is this scary and risky?

Sure. But it beats hiding your light!

Check out our most recent "Making Love Simply Divine" teleconference (held on July 1, 2008) on this topic: "Be Loved for Who You Really Are," featuring authors and relationship experts Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski. Gain the insight, the courage, and the skills for letting your inner light shine!

www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com/teleseminars

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Learn more about and register to attend or listen to the recordings of the free Making Love Simply Divine "First Tuesday of the Month Great Relationships Teleseminar Series" by visiting www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com/teleseminars

 

Independence, Dependence and Interdependence in Relationships

The Fourth of July.

In 1776, there was nothing sweeter or more important than independence. Independence from a kingdom that denied basic freedoms to people who had left their country to gain those very freedoms. And a government that didn't understand or appreciate the diversity of people who were seeking refuge and a chance at a new life on this continent.

Independence is essential to our well-being. We often seek our independence first from our family, and then test ourselves as independent beings throughout the rest of our lives.

But how about in our primary relationship? What role does independence play in that realm?

In a committed relationship, independence simply can't mean that each person gets to do anything s/he feels like doing, or thinks about doing. Both people make agreements (in one form or another) to one another that they bind themselves to upholding. And each of you has the right to expect the other to uphold his or her vows. So, for example, if one of the vows  you both make to one other is sexual fidelity, then having sex with everybody in addition to your spouse who stirs up feelings of desire inside you simply isn't a good way to express your independence.

But each person in a relationship is a unique individual, with unique and independent hopes and wishes and dreams. And not necessarily ones that can be easily shared with one another. One person may love going to a gym or health spa, while the other likes to play pool, but neither enjoys their partner's choice.

If both parties agree to do ONLY what they can agree upon together, then that compromise becomes "lose/lose." Both people give up something important - ostensibly for the sake of the relationship - but what's really happening is that a part of both people is being killed off. So relationships have got to be flexible enough to support both partners to be independent in ways that honor and strengthen them individually, so that they can bring more of themselves, more fulfilled independently, to their partner and to the relationship.

And finally for this, we come to "interdependence."

Notice, of course, that I've skipped right over "dependent" and "co-dependent" relationships. Neither of these supports a relationship or the individuals in it to grow and flourish.

There's a concept in physics known as "synergy." And to make it far too simple - and therefore somewhat inaccurate - synergy means that two "energies" combine in such a way that something new is created, and that "new" combined thing is greater than the sum of its two component parts.

An "interdependent" relationship is more than just a "reciprocal relationship between dependent entities." It's a synergistic relationship. A relationship in which the relationship in toto is greater than the sum of the two people who comprise it.

You know this quality in couples. Sometimes it's evident in that two very loving people radiate even more love together than what you'd imagine just by adding their love together. Or when two people who otherwise enjoy being social each on their own seem to blossom in social circumstances when they are together.

Both independence and interdependence need to be cultivated in a relationship so that individually and together each person can bring the best of him/herself to each other and to the relationship.

It's not as difficult as you might imagine. But it does take practice. Here's an idea:

Begin now.

There's no time like Independence Day to start creating a more perfect union!

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"Making Love Simply Divine" is a program dedicated to helping you create and nurture highly successful, deeply fulfilling relationships in and out of the bedroom.

Visit www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com now to learn more about how to take advantage of the learning opportunites associated with this life-changing program, register to attend the free monthly teleseminars, and become a Member of our monthly Membership program.

 

Last night (Tuesday, July 1, 2008) Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D. were the “Making Love Simply Divine” July 2008 “First Tuesday of the Month Great Relationship Telesimanar” Featured Interviewees, and, wow, was it powerful!

Judith and Jim are a husband and wife psychology team who for 20 years have helped thousands of men and women uncover and eliminate the blocks that stopped them from getting what they want. Noted authors, speakers and counselors, Jim and Judith revealed how to "Be Loved for Who You Really Are"

Judith and Jim pull no punches when it comes to communicating the reality of how to create a successful and highly fulfilling relationship! And they didn’t hold back in sharing their strategies and techniques for turning a relationship around or taking it to the next level.

The Question and Answer Session immediately after the interview was equally powerful.

I especially loved when Jim talked about how we overrate sex and miss the power of sex at the same time. I absolutely agree! His comments were just brilliant, and if you’re wondering if this applies to you, make sure to hear the replay:

www.makinglovesimplydivine.com/teleseminars

Sometimes all it takes is one particular bit of information to change everything - when you’re ready to receive that information. I’ve experienced this personally many times in my life. And what you can learn in this interview could easily be that meaningful for you and your relationship.

If you’d like to listen to this life-changing interview with relationship experts Judith & Jim and learn how to put what they teach into practice in your life immediately, you can listen online or, download the MP3 audio file to your iPod or portable media player now and listen at your own convenience.

www.makinglovesimplydivine.com/teleseminars

Here's what Judith & Jim had to say about this interview:

"We've been interviewed more than 1,800 times on radio and television, including Oprah and The View.

"I want everyone to know that this particular interview is singularly the best, most intelligent, most insightful, most heartfelt and compassionate interview that we have ever had. It was intelligent, but what's really, really important is that Karen is fearless in wanting to go for the truth instead of spreading more cliches."

You can hear what they had to say about how to create and nurture a great relationship simply by visiting the replay page which can be found at:

www.makinglovesimplydivine.com/teleseminars
 

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"Making Love Simply Divine" is a program dedicated to helping you create and nurture highly successful, deeply satisfying relationships. For more information, and to register to attend our free monthly teleseminars, visit www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com

 

Tonight’s the night!

Tonight:

Tuesday, July 1, 2008 at 6 PM Pacific / 9 PM Eastern

Karen Brody interviews relationship experts Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D., Featured Interviewees for Making Love Simply Divine’s “First Tuesday of the Month Great Relationships Teleseminar.”

Judith and Jim will share their secrets for how to “Be Loved for Who You Truly Are,”  an important key to having a highly successful, deeply satisfying relationship.

You can attend this highly informative and inspiring event FREE by registering at www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com/teleseminars, where you can also ask Judith and Jim your most burning question prior to the call.

And if you’re unable to join us live for the live interview with Judith & Jim on Tuesday evening, simply register at www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com/teleseminars and we’ll inform you about how to listen to the audio replay of the call at your convenience.

Karen Brody, M.A. is the Founder of “Making Love Simply Divine,” a program founded on the principle that all relationships are multi-faceted, and that in order to have a relationship that’s consistently rewarding, you need to have a way to access and take in new information,  and interact with other like-minded individuals and couples who are on the same journey.

Register now to attend the teleconference on July 1st and we’ll keep you informed of future events. PLUS you’ll be eligible to receive a 30-day trial Membership for just the cost of shipping your first audio CD!

We look forward to having you as our guest on the call!

 

 

Here at "Making Love Simply Divine" we're always doing research, looking for people and information that we can share with you that will help you create and nurture highly successful, deeply satisfying relationships, in and out of the bedroom.

Every once in a while, we come across a fascinating piece of scientific research, such as one we found at ScienceDaily.com entitled, "Women More Perceptive Than Men In Describing Relationships," conducted by the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, 2008.

97 American couples between the ages of 18 and 46 participated in the written survey, designed to assess the sensitivities of couples in their relationships in three areas: Participants' wishes or desires towards their romantic partner; the perceived sense of how their partner will respond to these wishes, and their own responses to their partners' responses.

Here's how they did it: The couples were asked to answer the survey in two ways: First, how they evaluate their relationship with their partners on the basis of the questionnaire, and second, to rate how their partners would respond to the same issues that were posed in the questionnaire.

Here are just three intriguing results of the survey:

1. Couples - especially married couples - were more similar in their attitudes towards one another than they had thought, concerning their desires to avoid conflict, their perceptions of love, sensitivity and caring for each other.

Our Response:

Even more similar than they themselves thought themselves to be when they answered the questions independently! Hmmmm. Just imagine what would happen if people actually communicated their true feelings and perceptions accurately!

2. Here were some differences indicated by the survey results:

=> Men rated women as much more apprehensive about being abandoned than the women rated themselves.

=> Women rated men as much less apprehensive of being abandoned than the men rated themselves.

=> Women rated men as more independent than the men felt about themselves.

=> Men rated women as more fearful and less interested in sex than the women rated themselves.

Our Response:

You GOTTA love this! Classic stereotypes about men and women shattered by the couples' OWN responses, even though both the men and the women persisted in their own outdated, limited and limiting beliefs about the opposite sex - and specifically their partner. If your partner isn't getting what's true for you, what are you DOING to make sure s/he does?

3. Overall, women were much more accurate in describing the perceptions of their partners than were the men.

Our Response:

Well, well! What a surprise! Women being more in tune with men's thoughts and feelings than men are with women's thoughts and feelings. Imagine that!

How Can We Change This?

Men, be more observant, share your thoughts and feelings, and ask your partner to share with you what you are likely missing.

Women, do the same.

USE THE LINK BELOW to read the rest of the research summary at ScienceDaily.com.

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080213111055.htm

And visit www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com now to learn more about how to have a highly successful and deeply satisfying relationship, in and out of the bedroom!

Register to attend the free monthly teleseminars, and enroll in the Making Love  Simply Divine monthly Membership program to take advantage of the ongoing learning, inspiration and motivation.
 

 

"He puts too much attention on sex." "Sex means more to him than it should in our relationship." "He puts too much emphasis on how much sex we have."

These are just some of the "battle cries" of women who don’t appreciate what sex means to their partner.

Here’s a simple truth:

Anything means exactly as much to an individual as it means to him or her in that moment.

Let’s state that in another way:

Whatever is important to you in some way or another is what’s meaningful to you right now.

So for every man, sex is as important to him as it is important to him right now. He can’t "put too much attention (or too much emphasis) on sex."

He’s putting as much attention or emphasis on it as he feels it needs, for him, now. For him, sex can’t "mean more to him than it should." It means exactly as much to him as it means to him - no more, and no less.

What this means is that if you are saying these things about your partner, what you are saying is that he puts too much attention on sex for you.

That is, he puts more attention on sex than you would like him to, or than the amount of attention you want him to put on it. If you say sex means more to him that in should, you’re saying that sex means more to him than it does to you.

It’s not the "sex" that’s important in this equation. It’s your judgment of your partner’s sexual desires that really has the greatest impact.

So the most important thing to do right now is to simply ask yourself: "What does my partner want, when it comes to sex?" And as long as it doesn’t result in physical pain to you, or a compromise of such deeply held values that you would suffer psychological damages, consider giving him what he wants.

Just like if you asked him to give you a two-pound box of See’s chocolates.

He might think it’s frivolous and a waste of money and something you "shouldn’t be eating anyway," but you would still want him to give you that box of candy. And no, not just any box of candy will do. It’s got to be a two-pound box of See’s chocolates, or you’ll think even less of him for giving you the wrong thing than if he didn’t give you any chocolate at all.

If a man wants sex, and his partner doesn’t give it to him, there are consequences - sometimes dire consequences - to the relationship. Emotional distancing, anger, frustration, death of communication, etc. - most often by BOTH parties, not just one or the other.

You’ve GOT to maintain a strong sexual connection even in the midst of (and even in spite of) any emotional or other reasons for wanting to withhold sex from your partner.

Regardless of how you judge him for what he expresses that he wants, you’ve got to recognize that your judgments are what will result in the greatest cost - far greater than the cost of enjoying sex with your partner more than you would want if left to your own devices.

After all, relationship is a partnership that needs to "feed" both partners, or the relationship - and the people in it - will starve for what they want.

And remember, sex is not only a highly pleasurable physical act. It’s a way to experience and express love and appreciation for yourself and for your partner. When both of you turn sex into lovemaking, you’ll be reminded of how important sex is as a way to connect with one another and deepen your relationship.

Then, there can never be "too much sex" or "too much emphasis on sex." You’ll always have just the right amount to satisfy both of you emotionally and physically.

Women, honor yourself. But in so doing, remember to honor your partner.

The "price" of judging and withholding sex? The possible death of your relationship.

The price of letting go of your judgments and honoring his wishes to express his love for you through sex? Greater intimacy and more physical pleasure.

The choice is yours.

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Visit www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com to learn even more about how to have a highly successful, deeply satisfying relationship, in and out of the bedroom.

 

 

If you're relationship's not growing, it's either stagnant or - worse - dying.

And being in a stagnant or dying relationship is certainly not the purpose of relationship. Nor, I imagine, is it what you wanted (or even imagined was possible) when you entered into your relationship.

Many couples allow their relationship to deteriorate into a state of maintaining a "status quo."

Maintaining a relationship that is "stable" in the sense that the relationship is strong and enjoyable is a desirable thing.

But by "maintaining the status quo" I mean that both people have "settled" for some limited version of the relationship they desire and deserve, and would rather stay in it than get out of it or put the time or energy into reviving it.

We already do too much "settling" in our lives. "Settling" simply means that you're willing to accept something less than you truly want. Only you know if you're settling in your relationship.

You can stop "settling" simply by embracing what you already have, and appreciating that you have that, instead of something worse. And believe me, it can always get worse.

It may sound trite, but simply putting your attention on the things you like and appreciate about anything, instead of focusing on what you don't like or what you otherwise wish you had, can make a big difference in your attitude. Acknowledging your appreciation - adopting an "attitude of gratitude" - can literally turn your world and how you perceive and respond to it upside down.

How to Get the Relationship you Truly Desire and Deserve

Imagine that the car you own is seven years old and not in excellent shape, and you wish you had a brand spanking new car.

What would you do if you REALLY wanted that new car? You'd make a plan for how to get it, and then you'd implement the plan.

If it involved making more money, and you had a way to do that (like taking a second part-time job), you'd do that.

If you wanted to make extra money by having home-based business, you'd research home-based business opportunities, select the best one for you, and dedicate yourself to learning from others who had already been successful.

You'd look to these successful people in business to show you how to avoid the pitfalls of that business, and be most effective at getting the results you wanted as quickly as possible.

So what if your relationship is like that seven- year-old car and not in excellent shape, and you wish it was like it was when it was brand new?

What would you do if you REALLY wanted that kind of relationship?

The answer may sound a bit simplistic. Because it is.

You make a plan for how to get that kind of relationship, and then you implement the plan.

You dedicate yourself to learning how to bring the romance and the love and the mutual appreciation back into your relationship.

You commit to learning new ways of experiencing and expressing your love for one another.

You research opportunities for learning from authorities on relationship and sexuality who have had their share of ups and downs, and use their experience to teach you how to avoid the pitfalls of trying to revive a stagnant or dying relationship.

You select the best teachers for you from among them - those who you believe can best show you how to be most effective at getting the result you want as quickly as possible.

And you go to work putting what you learned into practice.

Many cultures have a similar saying, but I like the English translation of one that was shared with me from the Chinese: "If you continue to ride your horse in the direction it's going, you're likely to end up where you're headed."

Take a good look at your relationship.

Is it growing, stagnant or dying?

Do you like the direction you're headed?

If so, just keep riding your horse, and it will take you where you want to go.

If not, then you'll need to take the reigns and steer your horse in another direction - one that promises greater loving, caring, and appreciation. One that also features a sense of mutually shared satisfaction and fulfillment.

Devote even just a few minutes each day to learning new ways of being that awaken passion. Develop new, more supportive beliefs, and discover new ways to express love for yourself and your beloved. Simply being committed to doing an "ounce" of work on making your relationship better each day will make a difference that is lasting.

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"Making Love Simply Divine" is a program dedicated to helping you to have a highly successful, deeply fulfilling relationship, in and out of the bedroom.

Visit www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com now to learn more about how to take advantage of the learning opportunities associated with this life-changing program, register to attend the free monthly teleseminars, and take advantage of the  life-altering, relationship-enhancing monthly Membership program!

On July 1, 2008, Karen Brody, Founder of "Making Love Simply Divine" will interview relationship experts Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski. Ph.D. Judith & Jim will reveal how to "Be Loved for Who You Really Are!"

You can ask Jim and Judith your most burning question about how to be loved for who you truly are by visiting:

www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com/teleseminars

where you can register to attend the live call and/or listen to the audio replay absolutely free!

"Making Love Simply Divine" is a program dedicated to helping you have a highly fulfilling, deeply satisfying relationship in and out of the bedroom.

Join us for our free monthly public teleseminars which are held on the FIRST TUESDAY OF EVERY MONTH at 6:00 PM Pacific / 9:00 PM Eastern, with replays available if you're unable to make the live call.

By registering, you'll also be eligible for a full 30-day free trial Membership in the "Making Love Simply Divine" Membership program.

Learn more and register by visiting:

www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com/teleseminars

Tantra.

The word itself conjures up a myriad of images. And questions.

Is Tantra the Answer to Better Sex?

It depends.

Tantra is a long-practiced study of our relationship to the Divine - in nature, in the Universe and in each of us.

Within the Tantric tradition are practices for using our sexual energy and sexual expression to experience and express the Divine in us and between us in relationship.

These practices do, indeed, involve "techniques," such as those we think of when we think of the Kama Sutra. Knowledge of the male and female body, sexual positions and even techniques for different kinds of breathing that arouse different physical sensations.

Learning Tantric sexual techniques alone can certainly help improve your enjoyment of sex. After all, tantric teachers and practitioners have developed and tested tantric practices over the course of centuries.

But learning Tantric practices on their own is only a small portion of the opportunities that Tantra provides.

Even at an introductory level, learning more about Tantra can have many benefits as a means of discovering more about yourself, your beloved and enhancing your relationship not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. And because Tantra is not a religion, you can use what you learn regardless of the religious beliefs you hold - even to expand them.

Tantra isn't simply about sexual technique. It's a practice designed to help you deepen your "Connection to All That Is," which means that you also deepen your connection to your Self, to your partner and to the Essence of your partner.

Here are some books that can help you learn more about Tantra and the positive impact it can have on your relationship.

 

Is Tantra Enough?

Learning about Tantra is only one possible path to enjoying a highly successful, deeply satisfying relationship. There are many other valuable ways to enhance your relationship, and we do our best to explore them and present them all for you at Making Love Simply Divine, a program dedicated to helping you create and nurture highly successful, deeply fulfilling relationships in and out of the bedroom.

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Visit www.MakingLoveSimplyDivine.com to learn more about all the benefits of participating in Making Love Simply Divine's public programs and private Membership program.