Independence, Dependence and Interdependence in Relationships

Independence, Dependence and Interdependence in Relationships

The Fourth of July.

In 1776, there was nothing sweeter or more important than independence. Independence from a kingdom that denied basic freedoms to people who had left their country to gain those very freedoms. And a government that didn't understand or appreciate the diversity of people who were seeking refuge and a chance at a new life on this continent.

Independence is essential to our well-being. We often seek our independence first from our family, and then test ourselves as independent beings throughout the rest of our lives.

But how about in our primary relationship? What role does independence play in that realm?

In a committed relationship, independence simply can't mean that each person gets to do anything s/he feels like doing, or thinks about doing. Both people make agreements (in one form or another) to one another that they bind themselves to upholding. And each of you has the right to expect the other to uphold his or her vows. So, for example, if one of the vows  you both make to one other is sexual fidelity, then having sex with everybody in addition to your spouse who stirs up feelings of desire inside you simply isn't a good way to express your independence.

But each person in a relationship is a unique individual, with unique and independent hopes and wishes and dreams. And not necessarily ones that can be easily shared with one another. One person may love going to a gym or health spa, while the other likes to play pool, but neither enjoys their partner's choice.

If both parties agree to do ONLY what they can agree upon together, then that compromise becomes "lose/lose." Both people give up something important - ostensibly for the sake of the relationship - but what's really happening is that a part of both people is being killed off. So relationships have got to be flexible enough to support both partners to be independent in ways that honor and strengthen them individually, so that they can bring more of themselves, more fulfilled independently, to their partner and to the relationship.

And finally for this, we come to "interdependence."

Notice, of course, that I've skipped right over "dependent" and "co-dependent" relationships. Neither of these supports a relationship or the individuals in it to grow and flourish.

There's a concept in physics known as "synergy." And to make it far too simple - and therefore somewhat inaccurate - synergy means that two "energies" combine in such a way that something new is created, and that "new" combined thing is greater than the sum of its two component parts.

An "interdependent" relationship is more than just a "reciprocal relationship between dependent entities." It's a synergistic relationship. A relationship in which the relationship in toto is greater than the sum of the two people who comprise it.

You know this quality in couples. Sometimes it's evident in that two very loving people radiate even more love together than what you'd imagine just by adding their love together. Or when two people who otherwise enjoy being social each on their own seem to blossom in social circumstances when they are together.

Both independence and interdependence need to be cultivated in a relationship so that individually and together each person can bring the best of him/herself to each other and to the relationship.

It's not as difficult as you might imagine. But it does take practice. Here's an idea:

Begin now.

There's no time like Independence Day to start creating a more perfect union!

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"Making Love Simply Divine" is a program dedicated to helping you create and nurture highly successful, deeply fulfilling relationships in and out of the bedroom.

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